


His Name was Ben

by AlekaJordan (pontmergay)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Mild Gore, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-18 10:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5924635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pontmergay/pseuds/AlekaJordan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His name was Ben. I didn’t find that out until much later - three years, actually - after I met him, and even then it wasn’t from him, but his name was Ben. Before everything happened, before his mind was taken and before dark whispers had crawled into his skin, had changed who he really was, his name was Ben. When he was a toddler who ran through grassy fields with his parents and uncle running after him, when he was a child who watched his father and his father’s best friend repair their ship with awe in his big brown eyes, when he was a young teenager who wanted to be like his uncle, not his grandfather, and save the galaxy, his name was Ben.</p><p>Before he was Kylo Ren, his name was Ben.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I literally have no idea where I'm going with this or what I'm doing. I've never written Star Wars fics before and I haven't written in a really long time. This is just me shamelessly making Kylo Ren happy, because I am trash and he is my trash son. 
> 
> I wrote the description at work one night, and I'm going off of that. It's definitely a work in progress and any and all concrit is good. Thanks, fam! I hope you enjoy!

“Ren,” he said, and the boy in front of us looked up from his kneeling position. “I have something for you.”

Ren’s eyes went wide, like a kid who had just been told he could choose whatever piece of candy he wants from the candy shop, and he gazed expectantly at the holographic man beside me. I crossed my arms over my chest and tried not to roll my eyes at his childish face.

“Here,” Hologram said, and pointed his huge blue-ish hand to where I was standing. A light came on just above me, for dramatic effect, I assume, and I had to squint to see the confused expression that came over the dark haired boy’s pretty face.

“I don’t think I understand, Supreme Leader.”

Mr. Hologram smiled, showing all of his fucked up teeth. “This is your future wife.”

Pretty boy’s eyes went wide and I choked on the breath I forgot I’d been holding. “What?” I yelled, whipping my head to stare up at the ugly “Supreme Leader:”

His pinched up face was angry when he spit, “Quiet!” at me, and I felt my airway tighten. “No one asked you to speak, girl,” he hissed.

“Supreme Leader, I still don’t understand.”

I glared between Ugly and Pretty Boy Ren while “Supreme Leader” explained. “She is sensitive to the Force. I want you to train her, and then once she’s sufficient-” I scowled at his words, “-you will be joined. We will have two leaders of our Knights of Ren, to keep them in line.” He smiled again and I almost barfed.

“With all due respect, Supreme Leader, I don’t need help with-”

“Silence, Kylo Ren! It is decided. Take the girl and leave my sight.”

An invisible hand nudged me off the platform I was standing on, almost knocking me off balance. I kept my composure, glaring at the large retreating holographic image as Kylo Ren took my arm and began leading me from the room. Once we were in the hallway I ripped my arm from his grip and took up glaring at him. He returned the dark, heavy looking mask that was held in the arm that hadn’t been holding onto me back to its place covering his pretty face.

He pointed a gloved finger at my face, his voice distorted when he spoke because of the mask. “Let’s get one thing straight-”

I shoved his arm away from me, trying with all my might to look threatening and not like a scared little girl. “I didn’t ask for this,” I hissed.

“Nor did I.”

“And don’t you just seem so torn up about it.” 

We stood for a few minutes almost snarling at one another (or I assume he was doing the same, I couldn’t tell with the damn mask covering his expression). Eventually he took my bicep in his hand again and began leading me down the hallway.

“What kind of name is “Kylo Ren” anyways? Pretty pretentious if you ask me.” I spoke flippantly, trying to see how hard it would be to push my apparent future husband’s buttons.

He breathed deeply. “Well, no one did ask you.”

“And what’s with the mask and the gloves and the all black ensemble? Like I know this is the First Order and whatever but c’mon, man. You look like death not warmed over.”

He said nothing, but continued doing breathing exercises and gripped my arm a little bit tighter.

I grinned. “Where are we going?”

“To our-” he almost spit the word, “quarters.”

“Our quarters? Like together? Like I have to live with you?”

He sighed. “It’s what Supreme Leader Snoke wants.”

“Great.” I yanked my arm from his grasp again and crossed my arms over my chest. We walked further down the hall and turned a corner without so much as a sigh between us, only the sound of our shoes clacking against the hard floor rose up around us. I noticed that whenever we passed any Troopers, they immediately stopped their conversation - or even stopped what they were doing all together, sometimes just standing stock still - until we had passed. I raised an eyebrow at the dark figure beside me and nodded.

“They’re afraid of you.” It wasn’t a question.

Kylo Ren looked down at me. “As they should be.”

“Why?”

He stopped. “You don’t know who I am, do you?”

“Should I?”

He shook his head at me and continued walking. “Where are you from?”

“Corellia.”

Again, he stopped. This time he looked down at me again and I could feel something akin to loss seeping from his robes. He didn’t speak or move for a long time.

“Are you okay?”

Kylo Ren took a deep breath and shook his head, clearing whatever thoughts he’d had. He nodded. “I’m fine. Let’s go.” He nudged me along with his hand at the small of my back for a few seconds before speaking up again. “What’s your name?”

“Ah, finally asking the hard ones, huh?” When he didn’t laugh at my hilarity, I answered him. “Emyn Myrianiya.”

“Emyn.” He spoke quietly, nodding his head a fraction of a centimeter.

“And you’re Kylo Ren, whoever that is.”

He sighed, again. “Stop talking.”

I grinned, again. “Sorry, can’t. Mama told me never to let a man tell me what to do.”

I could hear it when he clamped his jaw shut and ground his teeth together. He stopped asking me questions after that, and just led me to our rooms.

I didn’t know how long I would make it if this was how my life was going to go from then on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short. I'm kinda sorry, but not really.

**Two Years Later**

“Phasma!” The tall, armored woman spun around on her shiny silver heels and I could feel the grin on her face beneath her helmet. “Hey there, birthday girl!”

I forced myself to refrain from rolling my eyes and skipped over to where she was standing. “You’re coming tonight, right? I couldn’t stand being alone with all of those gross old people and not having you to save me.”

“Ren will be there.”

This time I did roll my eyes. “And he’ll probably spend the entire time watching me like a hawk, making sure I don’t drink too much champagne, and talking to the - I repeat - gross old captains and commanders. I need my best friend.”

During my spiel Phasma had removed her helmet and she was currently shaking out her short blonde hair, staring at me with a smile on her face. “Of course I’m going to be there, Emy. I wouldn’t miss your 18th birthday for anything.”

I grinned, something I had learned over the last couple of years to do more out of happiness and less out of spite. “You’re the best, you know that?”

She flipped her too short hair and smiled back at me. “I know, I do try.”

The comm on my wrist went off and a holo of Kylo tapping his own wrist popped up between us. “Oh, shush! I’m coming!” I quickly turned the thing off, knowing how much it annoyed him when I hung up on him like that. “Well, I gotta go. I’ll see you tonight. Don’t be late!”

Phasma shook her head at me. “Bye, squirt!”

* * *

 

“Why is it that you insist on being late to everything, and then when I try to inform you of your lateness, you ignore me?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Hello to you, too,” I mumbled, leaning over to untie my boots and discarding them beside the chair I was sitting in. “And hanging up on your comm isn’t ignoring you. Just so you know. I did acknowledge you.”

“‘Oh, shush. I’m coming.’” He repeated my words with an equally lifted brow. “You undermined me in front of my best Trooper.”

I almost snorted. “It’s just Phasma. She’s my best friend.”

Kylo walked over and placed his arms on either side of me in the chair. “I guess I’ll let it slide this time. It is your birthday after all.”

“Don’t remind me.”

He gave me a questioning look.

“I’m so old!” He laughed freely, head thrown back and a grin on his face, something he only ever did in the privacy of our quarters. “I’m 5 years older than you, Emyn.”

I threw my hands up, almost smacking him in the face, which only made him laugh again. “So? I’m practically ancient.”

He smiled, leaning forward to whisper in my ear. “You look pretty great for being ancient.” When he leaned back and placed a kiss on my forehead, a warmth spread from there right into the heart of my belly. I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

_I love you._

I didn’t say it out loud, but I knew he heard me. He leaned his forehead against mine, our noses touching and stared between my eyes and my lips.

_I know._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I obviously have nothing better to do at work than write. I do really like this chapter, though. Enjoy!
> 
> Also sorry for the formatting. Like I said, I'm at work and I'm too lazy to fix it right now.

My eyes wandered from the green tops of the trees in the forest I could see in the distance to the shining stars in the sky above me. I wrapped my arms around myself, rubbing the skin to keep myself warm. The sounds of the party were behind me, laughing and drinks clinking and music, and I silently sipped at the champagne in the glass at my elbow. I sighed contentedly, smiling at the thoughts racing through my bubbly brain.

 

A hand on my shoulder started me and I wondered, for a second, if I had really had so much to drink that I hadn’t noticed someone joining me on the balcony. I turned towards the person beside me to see Kylo, who was looking down at me with a soft smile.

 

“You ran away.”

 

I smiled, shaking my head and taking another drink from my glass. “I didn’t want to interrupt your probably  _ very interesting _ conversation with Commander Detreus.” I glanced back up at the stars. “And I didn’t run away. That implies no one knowing where I am, and look how easily you found me.”

 

“I’ll always find you.” He leaned forward and kissed me, slow and soft.

 

When he leaned away I made a quick gulp of the rest of the sparkling liquid in my glass and laid my head against his chest. He swayed with me, hands resting on my waist, to the quiet sound of the music playing inside. I pressed a kiss to the dark fabric of his shirt, where the beating of his heart in my ear was coming from.

 

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered.

 

My lips pulled up into a grin. “So are you.”

 

Kylo pulled away holding me by my arms and looking at me with stars in his eyes. “You’re absolutely an idiot, do you know that?”

 

“Mmm, but…” I trailed off looking up at him with a smirk.

 

“But?” he prompted.

 

I tried and miserably failed to suppress my grin. “I’m your idiot.”

 

For the first time in a long time, Kylo laughed outside of the safety of our quarters. His eyes sparkled and his cheeks were flushed, skin stretched tight over his face from the smile. His thin fingers wrapped around mine, which were wrapped around my empty champagne glass, and he pulled the glass from my hand, setting it down on the balcony railing beside us. “You’ve had enough. Phasma isn’t a good influence on you.”

 

“Oh, shush. Phas is my friend. And besides, you’re not much of a good influence either, Ren,” I mumbled. I let out a yawn and felt his chest rumble with laughter again.

 

“I think we should get you to bed.”

 

I pouted, jutting my lower lip out like the child I was. “But it’s my party.”

 

He turned me around to the doors behind us and gave me a small push towards them. When I didn’t move he grabbed my hand and led me through them, back inside to the warmth of my party. I could tell that he was on a mission to get me out of the room before someone - like Phas - could get me more alcohol, but we were intercepted by Commander Detreus, who was accompanied by a tall, red-headed man.

 

“Lord Ren!” Detreus’ voice was loud and deep, and he sort of chortled no matter what he was saying.

 

Kylo stopped, in turn pulling me to a stop, and sighed quietly so that only I could hear. I was glad he had put his mask back on because otherwise I knew I would have laughed at the look on his face. “Hello again, Commander.”

 

Detreus clapped the redhead next to him on the shoulder in what looked like an incredibly painful slap. “I’d like to introduce you to my nephew, General Hux.”

 

Kylo nodded, then leaned down to me. “Go on ahead. I’ll meet you in our room.”

 

I frowned, but nodded nonetheless. I understood that he had important things to do; he couldn’t always be following me around like a lost puppy or babysitter. “Okay,” I whispered, and walked through the rest of the crowd, finding Phasma on the other end of the room and waving to her before I walked through the entryway.

 

As I walked through the halls of base to my and Kylo’s rooms, I ran my fingers along the walls. I told myself it was just for fun, but I knew I needed the extra support. I had already tripped over my gown more than too many times that night. I was halfway to the room when I heard heavy steps from behind me, and I turned around too fast to catch who was behind me, almost falling, again, from the headrush.

 

“Whoa, careful.”

 

I didn’t recognize the voice, and when I finally opened my eyes after the dizziness went away, I saw a Trooper standing next to me, his hand on my arm holding me up. “Oh, thank you.” I tried to pull my arm from him but his grip was firm.

 

“I’ll help you back to your room, ma’am. You’re a little unsteady.” He smiled and it reached his eyes, so I nodded and let him guide me down the hall a few hundred feet.

 

The next thing I knew I had been flung into a dark, empty room, and the Trooper was closing the door behind him. I fell to the floor a few feet in front of him, bracing myself on my elbows while I glared him through the mess my hair had become. “What the fuck are you doing?”

 

“Do you know how hard it is to get you alone, without Ren lurking behind somewhere?”

 

I felt my face grow hot and I tried to shove him back with one of the very first Force tricks Kylo had taught me, but I must have drank as much as Kylo thought I had because nothing happened. “That wasn’t really an answer to my question.”

 

Instead of gracing me with the sound of his now grating voice, the Trooper lept forward, stepping on and ripping the train of my dress. I kicked out with all the strength I had, hitting him hard on the shoulder with my foot, but it hardly stopped him. He reached his arm back then let it spring forward, landing a hard punch on my jaw.

 

I could feel the blood pooling in my mouth and stars danced in front of my eyes. My head was pounding but I kept up my attack of flailing my arms and legs as hard and as wildly as I could. When nothing stopped his advances, his hands sliding through the slits in my dress and his knee pressed hard against my pelvis, I did the only other thing I could think of that wouldn’t get me punched again.

 

_ Kylo! _ I felt it when he realized that something wasn’t right, and I could almost see him running from the room, following the path I sent him to find where I was.

 

The Trooper was just reaching back again, after I’d landed an impressive hit to his cheekbone, when the door to the room banged open and Kylo stepped into the room, his lightsabre already alight at his side and absolute fury seeping off of him in waves. The Trooper jumped back, almost knocking right into me, and held his hands up in surrender, as if that was going to help him at all. “Lord Ren! I didn’t-”

 

Kylo took one step forward and sliced down with his sabre, cutting through the Trooper’s wrist. It fell, landing on my ripped dress, and I scampered backwards. The sound of the Trooper’s screams and the smell of burnt flesh filled the room and I stared at Kylo, his shoulders heaving. He began to stalk towards the Trooper again, his lightsabre held out in front of him.

 

“Kylo, don’t.”

 

It came out as a defeated whisper, so tiny and quiet that I wasn’t sure he would hear me. But he stopped suddenly and turned his head towards me, a question on his face I could sense even though I couldn’t see it.

 

“Let’s go home. Please, Kylo.”

 

I could feel him weighing his options, thinking about whether he should listen to me or snuff out the life lying prone on the floor between us. I shook my head and took a step towards him, causing him to take a step back and turn off his sabre. I walked up to him then, wrapping my arms around his torso and prying the hilt clenched in his hands into mine. Once I had it, I spun on my heels, turning to the crying Trooper on the floor in front of where we were.

 

“Please,” he begged. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

  
I pointed at the bruise I knew was forming on my jaw. “This says otherwise.” I reignited the sabre and slashed down, slicing the Trooper from shoulder to hip. I turned back to Kylo, tossing the now deactivated hilt back to him and then walking passed him out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks are fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter so much, guys. Kylo is my tiny baby son who needs to be protected and cuddled. Ugh. Anyways. I'm sorry it's a bit short. I'll be posting another chapter later, hopefully, depending on how boring and slow work is. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**One Year and Seven Months Ago**

 

The door banged open, letting a furious Kylo Ren into the room. He let out a loud, low growl, and I heard the click of his mask being taken off and then a crash as he threw it across the room. He tore his robe from his shoulders and I heard him sit heavily on the sofa.

 

I slowly looked up from the book in my lap and glanced over to where he was on the other side of the room from me. He was curled in on himself, his head in his hands and his hands ripping at the dark hair they were in engulfed in. I sighed, placing my book on the bed next to me, and stood up, walking over to sit beside him. “Um,” I cautiously placed a hand on his back. “You alright there, buddy?”

“Please go away.” It was just above a whisper, his voice cracking and broken.

 

I furrowed my brow. “I thought we were supposed to be becoming friends. Friends usually talk to each other about their problems.” Or I assumed anyways; I had never really had many friends before I came to the First Order, and I still didn’t really have any as it was.

 

He lifted his head from his hands to glance over at me with eyes filled with something that tasted like desperation. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

I had been on the base for a little over four months at this point, and I had never been scared of Kylo Ren until that moment. I had talked to some of the Troopers and other officers on base and they had told me as much of Kylo’s backstory as they knew, so I had a rough sketch of who he was supposed to be. But besides being hard on me in training and sometimes losing his temper when I was being a smartass, he had only ever been kind to me. He smiled at me sometimes and made sure if he landed an especially hard blow while training to check on me. The look in his eyes then, though, went straight to my heart and actually  _ scared  _ me.

 

“Oh,” I breathed. “Okay. I’m sorry.” I stood up, walking backwards with my eyes never leaving his. When I sat on the bed and picked up my book again he replaced his head in his hands. Instead of finishing my chapter, I watched as his shoulders swelled and fell until eventually he was sitting almost completely still. I could just barely hear him murmuring to himself. “Kylo,” I said.

 

He peeked over at me through his hair and fingers, expectant.

 

“It’s okay to be scared sometimes.” I bit my lip and asked without words if I could come back over to sit beside him. When he nodded, almost imperceptibly, I half ran to the cushion I had just been on. “When I was a little girl, when my mama first got sick, I always tried to be strong and brave. For her and for Papa and Nana. But it just… It ate away at me. I couldn’t focus on anything, not school or chores or helping Nana on the farm. I slept all the time, and whenever I was awake I spent all my time with Mama. One day she pulled me up on the bed with her and she told me, “Emyn, you can’t always be brave. Being afraid doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong. It gives you hope.” And she was right. Sometimes you have to be scared to make it through.”

 

Kylo stared at me, unblinking, his eyes searching my face for something. He shook his head, then slowly leaned forward, gaze not leaving my eyes, and laid his head on my shoulder. I brought my hands up as he curled his legs up on the sofa behind him and ran my fingers through his hair. He tentatively wrapped his arms around my waist and I leaned back against the arm, so he was lying against me. 

  
Kylo and I laid there on the sofa until the sun slipped through the windows the next morning.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is a tiny ball of fluff and kindness, and I am dead from it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Kylo so much, someone help me.
> 
> Sorry I didn't get this out sooner (like, I don't know, Saturday when I said I would?). Work was neither boring nor busy, but my roommate, who happens to work with me and sits at the desk right next to mine, decided that we should write some Harry Potter crack together, and then when I got off work I went back to my mom's and took a four hour nap. And don't even get me started on what I did Sunday (hint: it was nothing (but I did watch the live action Cinderella with my boyfriend and it ripped my soul from my body)). 
> 
> Anyways! Here it is. My new favorite chapter. I cried a little bit writing this, just so you know.

**Present**

 

When Kylo found me back in our quarters, I was sitting under the spray of the shower in my ruined gown. I don’t remember how I got in there, I don’t even remember arriving back at our room. He crouched down beside me, turning my head with a finger on my chin to look at him. He raised his eyebrows at me in a silent question, cocking his head slightly to the side as he stared at me with his sad brown eyes. “It’s okay to be scared, Emy,” he whispered, just loud enough so that I could hear.

 

My dress was soaked through and my hair was a sopping, tangled mess, but I jumped out from under the spray of the shower and wrapped my arms around Kylo’s neck. I didn’t care that I was soaking him too, especially not when his arms wound around my waist and he ran his fingers through my hair, softly pulling at the knots.

 

We sat there for a long time, water pooling on the floor around us. Kylo gently rocked me in his lap and hummed under his breath until my breathing slowed and the tears dried on my cheeks.

 

“Why don’t we get you cleaned up?” he asked quietly, murmuring through my hair. 

 

He helped me stand up, careful not to slip on the water that had accumulated on the floor because of me. Kylo leaned down to look through the strands of hair in front of my face to look at me, asking if I was okay with what he was about to do.

 

I nodded, but didn’t say anything.

 

“Okay,” he sighed. Kylo reached his arms up and around my neck, stopping for a second to brush his fingers over the large, purple and black bruise on my jaw, to untie the knot that was keeping my dress up and secure on my body. He gave me one last look to make sure I would be okay before pulling the fabric.

 

The black gown fell to the floor, leaving me bare in front of him in nothing but my underwear. He kissed my shoulder before hooking his fingers in the band of my panties and pulling them down my legs. He turned me around, maneuvering me back under the still warm spray of the shower. 

 

I stared forward, letting the water drip down my face, and half-watched out of the corner of my eye as Kylo undressed himself.

 

Once his clothes were piled on the floor beside my dress he stepped into the shower behind me. He placed another kiss on my shoulder before reaching around me and grabbing the soap from the shelf. I heard him lather the soap in his hands and leaned back against his chest when he ran his makeshift wash rags over my shoulders and arms. He ran his hands carefully over my stomach and chest, and nudged me forward a little bit when he needed to wash my back. Gently, slowly, he washed the day away from my body and did what he could to wash it out of my mind.

 

* * *

 

Kylo softly pulled me from the shower, turning it off once I was standing in front of him, dripping once again. He patted me dry with a fluffy black towel, then wrapped it around my body while he went to our wardrobe and grabbed one of his thin black tunics.

 

“Up,” he said, motioning for me to drop the towel and lift my arms so he could dress me.

 

He carefully pulled the tunic over my head, putting my arms through the sleeves as he went. He tugged the mess of my hair out of the confines of the shirt and let it dangle down my back. The comb that had previously been on the counter was in his hand in an instant and he turned me around once again to disentangle the knots my hair had turned into while showering.

 

Once he was satisfied with my hair Kylo took hold of my hand and led me from the bathroom into our bedroom, flicking the light off behind us. He scooped me up and laid me down on the bed, pulling the dark covers up over me before climbing in himself and laying beside me. He pulled me up against his chest, one hand trailing over my side while the other drew small circles on my stomach.

 

I relaxed into him, my back pressed up against his chest, and drifted into a calm with his warmth seeping into my body and the swell of his chest as he breathed. I focused on the in and out of his breathing and focused harder to hear the beating of his heart. I was almost asleep when I heard it.

 

_ I love you. _

  
I smiled and melted further into him, thinking as I drifted off about how no matter what, as long as I had Kylo Ren, I was safe from any- and everything that could possibly try to cause me harm.  _ I know. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the shortness of this chapter, but I hope the raw emotion and adorableness makes up for that.


End file.
